MUHUHAHA: Vampire Killer Kale Knock-Off Recipe (2024)

Besides doing yoga, I’m a huge foodie. I love cooking, baking and now, thanks to Yule moolah, dehydrating things to nom on. And one especially delightful thing is when I have the ability to copycat something that I’m completely obsessed with… like Brad’s Raw Vampire Killer Kale Chips.

If you haven’t had these yet, your life is completely without meaning. I stumbled on them while visiting MOM’s Organic Market on my lunch break (like I do). Since going mostly-Paleo (save the few nights I give the hubby a break), I’ve been having severe issues with snacks. In The Life Before, I would keep snack bars, mozzarella sticks, chocolates, etc. in my desk at work for hunger-fighting, but alas… they were off-limits now. I had to find something, anything to abate my ferocious snack-monster that I house in my soul.

As if by fate, I picked up a pack of Brad’s Vampire Killer Kale. It fit all the rules for what I needed: raw, no dairy products, full of garlic. But then I looked at the price tag and nearly had a coronary (not from my morning bacon, I swear… I think)- they were$7.99 per 2.5oz pack. Now, let’s not play games here… I still bought it, because I’d have to be crazy not to. I mean, just admit how DELICIOUS that stuff looks! I mean, it has snackfest written all over it. So yeah, I broke down and bought it… and it was some of the most amazing, crack-tastic delicousness I’d ever had.

But the whole cost thing was a problem. How would I continue to get my fix? My family isn’t made of money. I teach yoga, but that money goes to things like Crossfit Classes, yoga clothes and knee-high boots (a girl has to have priorities). And you know, paying my bills, too. There was no way I could afford The Vampire Crack, not at that cost. My world, it seemed, was doomed.

Then enter the Nesco Food Dehydrator I got two days ago. Oh Nesco, baby, you are a round, shiny, beautiful, fan-driven wild-child raw food snack creating mo-chine, baby. Sorry, got off track there (no, I don’t make out with my dehydrator… much). I had the fortune of receiving some holiday cash from the in-laws and turned that cash, through the magic of The Internets, into The Nesco. In its shiny, beautiful eyes I saw my gateway to cheap, homemade raw snacks (apple chips, zucchini chips and strawberries, oh my!) and, of course… Kale.

After making a successful batch of apple chips last night I made myself a promise… that I would try to replicate the Vampire Killer chips, that I would find a way to crack the code. Using just my wits, my Iron Chef-esque kitchen witchery and Brad’s list-O-ingredients via the product page, and my own flair for improvisation, I set off to create deliciousness… AND SUCCEEDED.

Without further ado, my friends… here it is:

Vampire Killer Kale Chips

What you need:

1 Bunch of Kale

1 Food Dehydrator

1 Colander

1 Med Mixing Bowl

1 Large Mixing Bowl

1 Spoon, for mixology

The Heart of a Lion and the Strength of a Bear (ok, if you don’t have this you can still try it)

For the Ri-goddam-diculously Good Coating:

1/2 cup Nutritional Yeast

1/4 cup (or to paste consistency) Lemon Juice

3 tablespoons of Garlic Powder

3 large Cloves of Garlic, Pressed (yeah double garlic…what what!)

1 tbsp Paprika

2 tbsp Parsley

1 dash Salt (you won’t need much.. the nutritional yeast is salty on its own)

2 dashes Fresh Ground Pepper

1 dash Herbamare (you don’t really need this… but I add it to everything. Herbamare = Life)

1 tbsp Cashew Butter

And if you’re into spice (it’s OK, be a freak… I won’t judge):

1 dash Cayenne Pepper

2 dashes Red Pepper Flake

Let’s Do This Thing:

Tear the leaves off the kale, leaving the stalk (discard those… unless you like to chew on them like a freaky rabbit… I do) and place in acolander. Wash the kale, then blot dry with a towel. Transfer the kale from the colander to the Large Mixing Bowl and place to side.

In the Medium Mixing Bowl, add in every ingredient for the spicetastic-deliciousness at once and stir it up. You want the consistency to be on the more liquid side of a paste (think thick lotion…ugh yeah, gross imagery. But what I’m trying to say here is it shouldn’t be all dry. You need it just-a-touch liquid-y so it’ll cling to the kale). If it’s too dry, add some more lemon juice. If its too soup-y, add more nutritional yeast. Take your finger and taste that sh*t… OMG try not to eat the whole thing now, it’s just paste, you fool!

Alright, now you take your spoon and follow this simple choreography: dollop, stir, mash. Dollop some of the spice mixture on top, then mix the whole thing around with your spoon, then get your beautiful hands in there and mash it all around. You need to get dirty, my friends, as the other option is having globs of tasty spice mix on some kale leaves, while others are sad, naked and alone. DON”T BE LIKE THAT. Keep up the dollop, stir, mash until all of the spice mix is in the new bowl. BUT WAIT! You’re not done my friend. Take a fist-full of kale and toss it back in the spice bowl, mashing around and scooping up any of the residue. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

The next part is simple: take the kale, piece by piece, and place it on the racks of your food dehydrator. Don’t let stuff overlap, that’s no bueno. I found that one head of kale filled all four racks and made a whole heap of awesomeness.

DEHYDRATION TIME: 3 hours (check it after 2, it all depends on your dehydrator).

And then, the best part… put that kale in a bowl and go to munchtown, you awesome Food Wizard, you!OK, I got outta hand on this one… but it’s SO GOOD.

In closing, don’t stop giving your money to Brad and his delicious, crack-ladened, sent-from-the-devil-himself awesomeness that are Vampire Killer Chips. Because if it wasn’t for Brad and whatever kale witchery he learned in Kale-worts (like Harry Potter… and kale? and.. nevermind), we’d never know it’s beauty. Just use this to help you not have to sell yourself on the streets for your kale fix by saving you some cash.

My version cost me a whopping $3 for 4 oz. Score!

Ok, off to go now. Let me know how it comes out for you!